A child's mindless rattle

A tooth-less rattle

Thursday, November 03, 2005
11:30 PM

I find myself withdrawn to my own little world more often than usual. Most probably because I'm tired of trying - to gain acceptance. It's easier to look at everyone from the outside. Like a person looking at the stars above, I am me looking at my life like a movie.

Over time, I'm domesticated. Socializing is a chore to me. On Pearl's birthday, after I was sure everyone's settled down, I found a little corner. That night was a cloudy night. As I watched everyone, with their laughters echoing in my ears, it was easy to smile.

A sip of vodka was lonely without the stars at night, a breathe of smoke was toxic without her. I felt relaxed, yet at the same time, weighed down by emotions that were overwhelming. Everything for a minute looks transient. To have her, is like holding ice - I get to hold her, yet other times she evaporates but she's there. Love, it is.

Mom doesn't seem to accept me the way I am. I wonder which is sadder. Her not being able to see what I'm working for, or her just being plain worried that I'll turn out to be an unworthy investment. I hate to find out what it is.

I think I need to do some soul-searching because I'm starting to forget what it is to be 'nice'. Reliance is becoming a form of pressure. Defiance is becoming a form of release. Addiction is becoming intoxication. Ambitions are becoming dreams further away. Tell me the perfect equation to gain a balance.

Pain, is as real as any other emotions. The purest form of pain is not those inflicted physically but those felt right through the heart. Unfortunately, only someone who loves feels pain.

I suspect she knows no love. Don't mold me into something like that.

The End!